Thursday, January 13, 2011

Blackhawks Guardian: Ripoff in the Windy City

Today's Guardian recap is going to touch on the Chicago Blackhawks, and the wonders that Stan Lee's team came up with. Ok look, we knew it was going to have to have something to do with wind. I mean, with the Chicago Blackhawks you basically have four choices:
  1. Wind
  2. Mobsters
  3. Michael Jordan
  4. 25 or 6 to 4 (wrong Chicago) 
Ok, so three choices. Look, playing off the Native American aspect is a no-no. With the legal battles that the University of North Dakota is going through and the fact that St. John's has become one big PMS joke (Red Storm? Really? What, was the St. John's Aunt Flo's already taken?) I can imagine that Marvel wanted to avoid that completely. Especially since it's apparently impossible to portray Native Americans without completely stereotyping them.

  Mortal Kombat II set back Native American progress a good 26 years.

So naturally, on the above list of three they're going to go with the least bad ass. Which would be the wind. Now, I know what you're saying. We've seen hurricanes and tornadoes. They can be pretty bad ass. Heck, if you turn on the Weather Channel during sweeps week you'd be hard pressed to NOT find a dairy farm getting sheared in two. But given the track record of the previous two Guardians, I had zero faith that Lee wouldn't screw this one up. And of course, I was right:
Even Washington Wizards MJ would've been much cooler

Oh sweet Lord. That looks like the lovespawn if Rosie from the Jetsons banged a helicopter. Seriously, are they going for a 3rd member of the Road Warriors here and I missed the memo? Or do all hockey players have oversized football shoulder pads? I have to admit, the "Original 6" logo is a nice addition. And the idea of a big red guy with hand repulsors is quite original.....

Oh. Right.
Not to mention the helicopter thing. First off, let's ignore the historical problems with the fact that Chicago wasn't named "The Windy City" because of actual wind, or people breaking wind from eating all that chili, but from politicians who loved listening to themselves talk.. But I do understand that stories about people with big mouths are nowhere near as cool as helicopters. 
Except for this one.
 So they went with the helicopter. The Blackhawks. And a helicopter. Anyone see any problems here? Did they go with this for the sole purpose of killing the character off, and having The King scream "Blackhawk Down!" Or maybe he'll be a rallying point, and another character (in their best Arnold Schwarzenegger voice) can scream "GET TO THE CHOPPPPAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  Which, admittedly, would be awesome. 

Now, let's check out his powers:
Big shouldered friend of the Windy City. Controls the element of wind.
Sweet Ted Williams' frozen head that's crappy. First off, that description is 12 words long. 5 of which involve wind in someway. Ok, we get it. Wind. Cool. At least that explains the beams from the hands, and apparently gives credence to the term "fanning the flames" because God knows he definitely made whatever he's flying above a hell of a lot worse. In fact, knowing what we do about wind and fire, that background was probably some kid's birthday cake that turned into Mrs. O'Leary's cow, version 2010.

And "big shouldered?" What kind of superpower is that? Is that all it takes to become superheroes is big shoulders? "Don't worry ma'am, I'll get your purse! After all, my shoulders are WAYYYYY bigger than that guy who has the gun." If all it takes to be a superhero is a set of padded shoulders, then every woman in the 1980's was a superhero and the Golden Girls were the freakin' Superfriends.

They could probably kick the Blackhawks ass too

Unfortunately, once again, Stan Lee comes up short. I'm sure when of these days he's going to come up with one that impresses me but I doubt it. If he wanted to make a cool superhero involving wind, he should've just ripped off Airman from Megaman and called it a day. 

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