Friday, January 14, 2011

Hurricanes Guardian; Wind control isn't the only reason it blows.

Today we look at the Hartford Whalers Carolina Hurricanes' Guardian. Since Stan Lee and his team at Marvel have been so creative in making their characters, I'm sure he was going to come up with something completely innovative, original, and awesome, and NOT just crank The Scorpions "Rock You Like a Hurricane" and draw a generic picture of some guy crapping a tornado. Oh wait, that's exactly what he did:
I can hear the German hair metal now

I'll give them credit, they did a good job with the color scheme. Incorporating the hurricane warning flag logo from the bottom of their jersey (and the cover of Billy Joel's Storm Front) was a nice touch. I can't help but feel this sense that I've seen this character before. Maybe at a collegiate event somewhere? Oh I know, must've been a Rutgers game:
I wonder if The Hurricane has an STD too
Seriously Stan? It's bad enough that you rip off a collegiate character. But you're going to steal one from a school where 35-44% of the students have a sexually transmitted disease. Question: Do you know why the Rutgers Knight always has his helmet on? Answer: Because his mouth is covered with herpes. Now, do you really want that in a superhero? Because quite frankly, I don't think I want to know what "Super Chlamydia" is. 
And what's with the face? Rutgers hair aside, The Hurricane looks like a rejected Mortal Kombat character. (I could make a "Finish Him" joke to tie Mortal Kombat into the STD conversation, but we're too high brow for that here.) Seriously, look at The Hurricane's eyes, and now at this:
Two Mortal Kombat pictures in two days? You're welcome.

Frightening. Well, at least they have that tornado thing going for them. That's kinda cool. I mean, having nothing below the waist eliminates the "Super Chlamydia" storyline we laid out above. Now that I think of it, the whole red color scheme with a tornado bottom looks pretty cool. I can't imagine why no one has thought of that before:
Maybe it's because they totally have?

That folks, is the Red Tornado (that's his real name....NOT another P.M.S. joke/St. John's nickname). Look, can we at least give him some cool powers at least? Pretty please? Don't mail it in like you did in the design, Stan. Have some pride. 
The Hurricane: A barometric nightmare with a personality as wild as the weather he commands.
 Wild personality? What is this, a boy band? Is The Penguin the sensitive one, and The King the smart one? And "a barometric nightmare." Considering the people killed, houses destroyed and lives ruined by real hurricanes, this one makes sense. And is totally appropriate. I mean, it's not like the United States has had any major hurricanes (Katrina, Andrew, Charley, Donna, Gloria) in its history or anything. I will say, the power to control the weather IS pretty cool. Hey, you know how they could've made it better? Make the character a woman. 
 Sweet spandex, that's causing a high pressure system. IN MY PANTS.

Well, there you have it. The Hurricane is essentially a male version of Storm, with more gonorrhea. You missed out Stan; you should've gone for MORE plagerism, and just put the Hurricanes logo on Halle Berry and called it a night. Because the odds of Halle Berry getting naked in her movies is like 50%, and as Swordfish vs. Catwoman shows, the odds of making money WITHOUT Halle Berry getting naked is 0%. In any movie. Shame on you, sir. 


  1. Haha so true, seriously who brought the ginger metal frontman to the party? Stan Lee must've met up with Dee Snyder and thought up the worst idea ever.

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